Greetings, everyone. As usual, I have been extremely busy, but now I am under a good deal of stress that I won't rant about on my blog. It wouldn't be of any interest to you all and I really don't feel like repeating any of it at the moment because it's, well, too F^CKING serious! Instead, I am going to go on a bit of ranting rampage on a topic that is much less serious: Britishisms/British English words and Americanisms/American English words. I just completely hate some of them! And when I say hate I mean pull my hair out, wear a white sheet as a toga, and run around the neighborhood like long gone-crazy religious zealot that resembles some character out of The DaVinci Code. Now, don't get me wrong. There are some Britishisms/words/expressions that I love such a f@nny magnet, titty-f^cking, and agony aunt. And there are some Americanism/words/expressions that I will defend tooth and nail ... and may even rip out yours in the process -- nasty h^e, sidewalk, and oh, HELL no!
Yet, there are some expressions from both sides of the Atlantic that should just be banned from modern English. Moreover, anyone caught saying these expressions too many times or caught saying them in anything less than an extremely contrite way should receive a huge scarlet 'I' for idiocy permanently branded on their forehead. After they're done begging me, their Supreme Master, for forgiveness by grovelling on the ground ... in the rain ... and when there's extreme heat. Only then!!!
So here they are. My lists of unimportant speech to rant out about. With unimportance. I'll start with the Britishisms because it's important get to the source country of such filth. And then on to the Americanisms -- no one likes a little sibling who just can't do something right! By the way, these are in no particular order. Just my top ten as I have been randomly able to spew forth.
HORRIBLE BRITISHISMS/WORDS/EXPRESSIONS/ETC.
1.) courgette -- to my North American readers this is "the British" for zucchini. Now though it's of French origin, it sounds absolutely awful in English, no matter your accent. I think of a Chevy Corvette when I hear this word, but the association of poor ghetto or white trash mobile comes to mind instead. And it just doesn't have the same culinary inspiration-like sound that zucchini does. When I hear the Italian derived zucchini, I think of an ingredient in a wonderful meal that I have had after listening to Luciano Pavoratti sing or Vivaldi's Four Seasons played. With courgette, I picture some trash mobile that Randy decided to let his daughter Ella Mae drive to her prom.
2.) diary -- unless you're a seven year-old girl talking about how many teeth you have lost so far or why that boy sitting behind says you smell like poo-poo, then you have a journal. Or a blog. Or planner. OR ANYTHING ELSE TO RECORD YOUR THOUGHTS WITH THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU SOUND LIKE YOU *STILL* HAVE A SET BED TIME.
3.) It's rather warm isn't it? -- And you're rather understating aren't you??? No, it's not rather warm. In fact, it's pretty f^cking hot in case you haven't looked outside and seen the sun blazing. Oh, and maybe you missed the news report about the wildfires?? Those don't start because it's "rather warm." Trust any meteorological authority on that one!
4.) At the end of the day... -- This is so long-winded that I just want to discontinue listening to any utterance you want to make after it because, well, at the end of MY day, I don't need to hear anything else that will bring me down! Although, it's nice to know you have a concept of time and that you seem to be aware of when people might want to GO TO SLEEP.
5.) zebra crossing -- This one is just so ridiculous. Yes, there are stripes on what you mean to call CROSSWALKS. And not all of them have stripes. And just because something has stripes it is not a zebra. This thing is meant for humans. Unless you live in the African savannah or a zoo, then there is no need for anything called a *zebra* crossing.
6.) pavement (meaning sidewalk) -- this words describes the material. Plain and simple. It gives little indication that you are situated on a designated area for pedestrian use. It's vague. It's unclear. There are a lot of things on the pavement such as cars, bacteria, pebbles, and manhole entrances. 'Kay, let's focus on the people walking area!!
7.) That's brilliant! -- What? It's not that great. And even if it were it's not like I made some sort of significant discovery. Now please, go back to playing wacky mad scientist and save all your hyperbole for that.
8.) rubber (instead of eraser) -- Where can I begin with this one?? We do NOT use condoms in the classroom unless it's sex education day and we're putting a special cover on the bananas! All I can say is that I was caught off guard when one of my school age students in Russia asked me for a rubber during class. Of course, I knew she meant to use the much more acceptable word ERASER, but I couldn't help but think, "Oh, no, I can't give you those things because then the police will find out, my life will be turned upside down, and I'll be branded some sort of international sex offender. That's not the highlight of my teaching career that I want and I'm afraid you'll just have to make do crossing out your written mistakes instead."
9.) toilet (meaning the room/area instead of the receptacle) -- Alright, so you have to go to the toilet? Okay, thanks for sharing. We all REALLY wanted to know that you have specifically indicated that you are going to an area where you have to take care of post-dinner time bodily movements. Are you going to change your tampon, jerk off, or purge that pasta so your "significant other will love you" while you're at it? I mean you don't want to leave out any important information for us. Saying excuse me and walking away is just not clear enough I suppose!
10.) the dog's bollocks -- Though we have become more progressive and open-minded, I think people would much rather you say "that's great" or even something stupid like "super duper" versus reminding us how much canines enjoy licking their testicles. Especially if Fido has been neutered, this is not the best expression to use to describe how wonderful you think something is. Unless you have some strange obscure love for the male castratos of the 17th century who wanted to retain their soprano status due to women being banned from performing. Then, alrighty!
HORRIBLE AMERICANISMS/WORDS/EXPRESSIONS/ETC.
1.) Have a nice day! -- You don't want me to have a nice anything, Mr. Shopkeeper. Didn't I just complain that you were working too slowly? Haven't you been working over twelve hours because you've had to reduce staff as the result of one of the worst economies we've ever seen OR how you're too cheap to hire someone? Mr. Shopkeeper, a simple "here's your receipt, sir" will do just nicely. No need to be fake and out of touch with how you really feel. I'm sure you watch Dr. Phil or Oprah on the TV in the staff room when there aren't any customers and they'll tell you the same F^CKING thing!!
2.) MM/DD/YYYY versus DD/MM/YYYY -- Do I really have to explain the counter-intuitive logic of this one? Smaller units to larger units, just like how we count things!! Why change what learn to do as children???
3.) hella -- This is one of those pseudo-swear words that people say to give the impression that they're a bad@ss, when they're really just the God-fearing son or daughter of some immigrant family grocer/convenient store owner or if they're trying to sound "modern hip" like Snoop Dogg or if they want to sound "West Coast." Oh, I know. Booooo. A bit politically incorrect there, but come on! We all know it's true and who are you trying to impress?? If you TRULY want to be "real" like the D-oh-double-gizzle then just say (*$^)(3^7(#$^&$@#%^$@ and #&(@*$&@(*^($*^ and mother-)*$&@(*&$(*@^&. 'Kay?? I apologize for that barrage of punctuation and symbols but I have to make a point somehow!
4.) hospitalization -- Awful on so many counts. Aside from just being one c^nt scrape of a word to roll off your tongue, it sounds too d@mn serious! What's the problem? Do you have ebola and can't leave some UN medical ward set up in the Democratic Republic of the Congo? Have your parents finally sent Aunty Em to the looney bin never to return while simultaneously pumping her up with anti-psychotic medicine that will destroy whatever little she had left of a libido?? Then don't use this word!
5.) my bad -- Okay, let's not change and adjective into a noun please. Just because you went to one of the worst high schools in the district doesn't mean you have to flaunt your ignorance of grammar. And my hatred of this expression is strongly connected to #3 as well.
6.) whatever (said as a single statement) -- I'll admit it. I have said this and I should have been punished. Severely. Aside from the sheer laziness of this word, whoever says it indicates this about themselves -- "I'm too stupid or inconsiderate or weak to tell you why that bothers me." Now, I don't necessarily want an explanation of why something displeases you, but by gahdz, have a better defense or the courage to say I was right the entire time. What makes this awful word even worse is putting too much stress on the second syllable. Do you really want to send chills down people's spines by doing that??? But, uh, I guess you do. WhatEVAAAAA!!
7.) OMG -- Okay, writing this is bad. Uttering this is way beyond a cardinal sin. Which you don't even know what that is ... so HOW can you say OMG??? And please don't say this as a substitute for "Oh my God!" Acronyms have much less of an effect on people's perception of the severity of a situation and make the meaning or intention more vague. AND if you even doubt the existence of any god, don't even entertain using this. We'd much rather hear, "Oh my non-being-somewhere-up-in-the-sky-over-a-Polynesian-atoll" ... than OMG. We might even laugh positively at your ingenuity too!
8.) fanny pack -- Vile. Offensive. W.R.O.N.G!!! How on earth could you name bag or pack you keep on your waist after something that means c^nt to fellow native speakers??? Or even if thought it meant one's behind! And don't even buy such a thing if it's pink and call it by this name! And do not, do not, do NOTTT for the love of all that is sacred ask your children to put things in your fanny pack for you ( I have heard and seen this before!). They are innocent beings and it's best not to advertise to the world, however inadvertently, that you are Michael Jackson reincarnate. Call it a bag. Simply put.
9.) could care less -- Why even tell us you could care less? That means you already care, even if it's just a little. But you have still decided to focus on it and therefore show it's meaning and importance. Which is something you did NOT intend to do in the first place. So, please, don't care less about it. Don't care for it at all.
10.) that's karma or I believe in karma -- I do ever so appreciate you telling me that revenge or retaliatory behavior one has received is the same thing as an ancient Hindu or Buddhist philosophy that takes cause and effect into consideration. I mean, simply saying "what goes around comes around" isn't enough, is it? You have to tell me how wise and worldly you are. Well, since I'm talking to such a knowledgeable person as you, let me tell you that I believe you should commit an ancient Japanese thinggamajiggy caled seppuku, or ritualistic suicide that can garner you respect. Or what about sati, the once practiced, and also Hindu, ritual in which people threw themselves in a large fire ... okay, only widowed women did that, but I'm sure we could make an exception in your case, should that not apply to you. So, really. I do thank you for telling me how falsely deep you are!
Whew ... ... as you can tell I've been under some stress and I just had to let that flow. Until next, be that "at the end of the day" or when you feel like having a nice salad with courgettes!
Yet, there are some expressions from both sides of the Atlantic that should just be banned from modern English. Moreover, anyone caught saying these expressions too many times or caught saying them in anything less than an extremely contrite way should receive a huge scarlet 'I' for idiocy permanently branded on their forehead. After they're done begging me, their Supreme Master, for forgiveness by grovelling on the ground ... in the rain ... and when there's extreme heat. Only then!!!
So here they are. My lists of unimportant speech to rant out about. With unimportance. I'll start with the Britishisms because it's important get to the source country of such filth. And then on to the Americanisms -- no one likes a little sibling who just can't do something right! By the way, these are in no particular order. Just my top ten as I have been randomly able to spew forth.
HORRIBLE BRITISHISMS/WORDS/EXPRESSIONS/ETC.
1.) courgette -- to my North American readers this is "the British" for zucchini. Now though it's of French origin, it sounds absolutely awful in English, no matter your accent. I think of a Chevy Corvette when I hear this word, but the association of poor ghetto or white trash mobile comes to mind instead. And it just doesn't have the same culinary inspiration-like sound that zucchini does. When I hear the Italian derived zucchini, I think of an ingredient in a wonderful meal that I have had after listening to Luciano Pavoratti sing or Vivaldi's Four Seasons played. With courgette, I picture some trash mobile that Randy decided to let his daughter Ella Mae drive to her prom.
2.) diary -- unless you're a seven year-old girl talking about how many teeth you have lost so far or why that boy sitting behind says you smell like poo-poo, then you have a journal. Or a blog. Or planner. OR ANYTHING ELSE TO RECORD YOUR THOUGHTS WITH THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU SOUND LIKE YOU *STILL* HAVE A SET BED TIME.
 |
| Uh oh. It doesn't have a lock on it! Don't let the boss get a hold of it! |
3.) It's rather warm isn't it? -- And you're rather understating aren't you??? No, it's not rather warm. In fact, it's pretty f^cking hot in case you haven't looked outside and seen the sun blazing. Oh, and maybe you missed the news report about the wildfires?? Those don't start because it's "rather warm." Trust any meteorological authority on that one!
4.) At the end of the day... -- This is so long-winded that I just want to discontinue listening to any utterance you want to make after it because, well, at the end of MY day, I don't need to hear anything else that will bring me down! Although, it's nice to know you have a concept of time and that you seem to be aware of when people might want to GO TO SLEEP.
5.) zebra crossing -- This one is just so ridiculous. Yes, there are stripes on what you mean to call CROSSWALKS. And not all of them have stripes. And just because something has stripes it is not a zebra. This thing is meant for humans. Unless you live in the African savannah or a zoo, then there is no need for anything called a *zebra* crossing.
6.) pavement (meaning sidewalk) -- this words describes the material. Plain and simple. It gives little indication that you are situated on a designated area for pedestrian use. It's vague. It's unclear. There are a lot of things on the pavement such as cars, bacteria, pebbles, and manhole entrances. 'Kay, let's focus on the people walking area!!
7.) That's brilliant! -- What? It's not that great. And even if it were it's not like I made some sort of significant discovery. Now please, go back to playing wacky mad scientist and save all your hyperbole for that.
8.) rubber (instead of eraser) -- Where can I begin with this one?? We do NOT use condoms in the classroom unless it's sex education day and we're putting a special cover on the bananas! All I can say is that I was caught off guard when one of my school age students in Russia asked me for a rubber during class. Of course, I knew she meant to use the much more acceptable word ERASER, but I couldn't help but think, "Oh, no, I can't give you those things because then the police will find out, my life will be turned upside down, and I'll be branded some sort of international sex offender. That's not the highlight of my teaching career that I want and I'm afraid you'll just have to make do crossing out your written mistakes instead."
9.) toilet (meaning the room/area instead of the receptacle) -- Alright, so you have to go to the toilet? Okay, thanks for sharing. We all REALLY wanted to know that you have specifically indicated that you are going to an area where you have to take care of post-dinner time bodily movements. Are you going to change your tampon, jerk off, or purge that pasta so your "significant other will love you" while you're at it? I mean you don't want to leave out any important information for us. Saying excuse me and walking away is just not clear enough I suppose!
10.) the dog's bollocks -- Though we have become more progressive and open-minded, I think people would much rather you say "that's great" or even something stupid like "super duper" versus reminding us how much canines enjoy licking their testicles. Especially if Fido has been neutered, this is not the best expression to use to describe how wonderful you think something is. Unless you have some strange obscure love for the male castratos of the 17th century who wanted to retain their soprano status due to women being banned from performing. Then, alrighty!
HORRIBLE AMERICANISMS/WORDS/EXPRESSIONS/ETC.
1.) Have a nice day! -- You don't want me to have a nice anything, Mr. Shopkeeper. Didn't I just complain that you were working too slowly? Haven't you been working over twelve hours because you've had to reduce staff as the result of one of the worst economies we've ever seen OR how you're too cheap to hire someone? Mr. Shopkeeper, a simple "here's your receipt, sir" will do just nicely. No need to be fake and out of touch with how you really feel. I'm sure you watch Dr. Phil or Oprah on the TV in the staff room when there aren't any customers and they'll tell you the same F^CKING thing!!
2.) MM/DD/YYYY versus DD/MM/YYYY -- Do I really have to explain the counter-intuitive logic of this one? Smaller units to larger units, just like how we count things!! Why change what learn to do as children???
3.) hella -- This is one of those pseudo-swear words that people say to give the impression that they're a bad@ss, when they're really just the God-fearing son or daughter of some immigrant family grocer/convenient store owner or if they're trying to sound "modern hip" like Snoop Dogg or if they want to sound "West Coast." Oh, I know. Booooo. A bit politically incorrect there, but come on! We all know it's true and who are you trying to impress?? If you TRULY want to be "real" like the D-oh-double-gizzle then just say (*$^)(3^7(#$^&$@#%^$@ and #&(@*$&@(*^($*^ and mother-)*$&@(*&$(*@^&. 'Kay?? I apologize for that barrage of punctuation and symbols but I have to make a point somehow!
4.) hospitalization -- Awful on so many counts. Aside from just being one c^nt scrape of a word to roll off your tongue, it sounds too d@mn serious! What's the problem? Do you have ebola and can't leave some UN medical ward set up in the Democratic Republic of the Congo? Have your parents finally sent Aunty Em to the looney bin never to return while simultaneously pumping her up with anti-psychotic medicine that will destroy whatever little she had left of a libido?? Then don't use this word!
5.) my bad -- Okay, let's not change and adjective into a noun please. Just because you went to one of the worst high schools in the district doesn't mean you have to flaunt your ignorance of grammar. And my hatred of this expression is strongly connected to #3 as well.
6.) whatever (said as a single statement) -- I'll admit it. I have said this and I should have been punished. Severely. Aside from the sheer laziness of this word, whoever says it indicates this about themselves -- "I'm too stupid or inconsiderate or weak to tell you why that bothers me." Now, I don't necessarily want an explanation of why something displeases you, but by gahdz, have a better defense or the courage to say I was right the entire time. What makes this awful word even worse is putting too much stress on the second syllable. Do you really want to send chills down people's spines by doing that??? But, uh, I guess you do. WhatEVAAAAA!!
7.) OMG -- Okay, writing this is bad. Uttering this is way beyond a cardinal sin. Which you don't even know what that is ... so HOW can you say OMG??? And please don't say this as a substitute for "Oh my God!" Acronyms have much less of an effect on people's perception of the severity of a situation and make the meaning or intention more vague. AND if you even doubt the existence of any god, don't even entertain using this. We'd much rather hear, "Oh my non-being-somewhere-up-in-the-sky-over-a-Polynesian-atoll" ... than OMG. We might even laugh positively at your ingenuity too!
8.) fanny pack -- Vile. Offensive. W.R.O.N.G!!! How on earth could you name bag or pack you keep on your waist after something that means c^nt to fellow native speakers??? Or even if thought it meant one's behind! And don't even buy such a thing if it's pink and call it by this name! And do not, do not, do NOTTT for the love of all that is sacred ask your children to put things in your fanny pack for you ( I have heard and seen this before!). They are innocent beings and it's best not to advertise to the world, however inadvertently, that you are Michael Jackson reincarnate. Call it a bag. Simply put.
 |
| She appears to have it positioned in the right place. Or the wrong place. Wherever she may be traveling. |
9.) could care less -- Why even tell us you could care less? That means you already care, even if it's just a little. But you have still decided to focus on it and therefore show it's meaning and importance. Which is something you did NOT intend to do in the first place. So, please, don't care less about it. Don't care for it at all.
10.) that's karma or I believe in karma -- I do ever so appreciate you telling me that revenge or retaliatory behavior one has received is the same thing as an ancient Hindu or Buddhist philosophy that takes cause and effect into consideration. I mean, simply saying "what goes around comes around" isn't enough, is it? You have to tell me how wise and worldly you are. Well, since I'm talking to such a knowledgeable person as you, let me tell you that I believe you should commit an ancient Japanese thinggamajiggy caled seppuku, or ritualistic suicide that can garner you respect. Or what about sati, the once practiced, and also Hindu, ritual in which people threw themselves in a large fire ... okay, only widowed women did that, but I'm sure we could make an exception in your case, should that not apply to you. So, really. I do thank you for telling me how falsely deep you are!
Whew ... ... as you can tell I've been under some stress and I just had to let that flow. Until next, be that "at the end of the day" or when you feel like having a nice salad with courgettes!
